I am completely embracing the change of pace that comes with my winter break. Oh, the holidays we get as teachers. So amazingly refreshing. Especially this year, since I am getting so damn good at leaving my job at my job and staying relaxed at home. This blog post is sarcastically dedicated to the trashiest of trash shows: Jersey Shore. (What my life could have been like had I stayed in Staten Island.) There's a guy on the show who named himself as "The Situation." When I first heard about that, I thought, "That's gotta be a joke nickname." But after watching one episode last night at my friend's place, I realized, "No, he's taking himself way too seriously for it to have any facet of humor."
The situation of my life right now... Love: not so great. Work: Awesome. Finances: why the hell do I keep getting charged random fees?
New Year's Resolution #1: Stop using credit cards except maybe for my Amex.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Back to Blogger
Okay, I tried to make the switch from blogspot to wordpress because wordpress allows you to manage multiple pages. But...being not that tech savvy, I've decided to move back to this space.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
A Sheltered World
I used to be friends with a very devout Muslim mother. She's really young but already has 3 young girls, and keeps an active blog that's complete with adorable pictures of her little girls doing silly things such as dancing, singing, and telling children's stories. She keeps her own blog, which is filled with motherhood stories and almost flawless writing. Lately, I've been feeling the need to revert back to piety. Perhaps her seemingly perfect, sheltered world comes as a result of her devotion to Allah. I want that...very much. My world could be that, maybe, with the right amount of Islam. But I've been too beaten down and disillusioned by the Muslims I've known. My world is brimming over with negativity and untrustworthy people.
Hiatus...what a pattern
I do this with every journal/blog I have ever had. I update once every few months. I really do want to update more often but I often end up discussing mind-disturbing issues on gchat with friends. Maybe I should stop being so open about things. Sometimes, in the middle of conversations, I find myself wondering if the things I say are complete boring, idiotic trash to some of these people. I mean, I suppose if something didn't involve me, I wouldn't really care all that much. But maybe that's just the selfish bitch in me talking.
I think my next school is going to be the one that offered me a position right on the spot. That was pretty awesome, and I had felt positive vibes while I was there. However, because my current school is discriminatory and run by mean-spirited asinine bastards, I can't exactly tell them that I'm leaving. My new principal says that it's okay that I wait but I'm nervous about not having been officially accepted. I have 15 work days left, and I can hardly wait. Someone told me to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. I described it more as a blazing sun and the reason why I'm still so depressed is because I can't look directly look at the light or else, I risk the fate of Tiresias. (You know...that blind guy in Oedipus Rex)
For some unknown reason, my administration changed all my failing kids to passing kids. It's actually a violation of our teacher rights to change grades without our consent. I went up to my AP and spoke rather rudely: "So basically, all my failing kids are now passing kids? Why is that?" She was eating peanuts at the time and started smacking her lips louder. In her nasty, ghetto voice, she tells me, "It is what it is."
I asked her what that was supposed to mean and she says, "You wanna come at me? I'll come right back at you."
What? Is she one of the kids now? My principal stepped in and they tried to explain the change in my grades as an alignment to their ELA test scores. Could they not come up with a better lie? Everyone knows that test scores don't have to align with classroom effort. These people really want to play me for a fool. How stupid do they think us teachers are?
If my school could be a little more professional, maybe teachers like T wouldn't get away with coming to work fifteen minutes to half an hour late on a consistent basis. T arrived to work 2 hours late and came back from lunch 2 hours late on our professional development day. When I tried to chastise him on his unprofessionalism, he blatantly tells me, "I don't care." This is the kind of people we have educating our kids. I am scared for the upcoming generation, and hope that if I raise children in this sort of world, that they never be exposed to these people until later on in life when they know what's what.
I think my next school is going to be the one that offered me a position right on the spot. That was pretty awesome, and I had felt positive vibes while I was there. However, because my current school is discriminatory and run by mean-spirited asinine bastards, I can't exactly tell them that I'm leaving. My new principal says that it's okay that I wait but I'm nervous about not having been officially accepted. I have 15 work days left, and I can hardly wait. Someone told me to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. I described it more as a blazing sun and the reason why I'm still so depressed is because I can't look directly look at the light or else, I risk the fate of Tiresias. (You know...that blind guy in Oedipus Rex)
For some unknown reason, my administration changed all my failing kids to passing kids. It's actually a violation of our teacher rights to change grades without our consent. I went up to my AP and spoke rather rudely: "So basically, all my failing kids are now passing kids? Why is that?" She was eating peanuts at the time and started smacking her lips louder. In her nasty, ghetto voice, she tells me, "It is what it is."
I asked her what that was supposed to mean and she says, "You wanna come at me? I'll come right back at you."
What? Is she one of the kids now? My principal stepped in and they tried to explain the change in my grades as an alignment to their ELA test scores. Could they not come up with a better lie? Everyone knows that test scores don't have to align with classroom effort. These people really want to play me for a fool. How stupid do they think us teachers are?
If my school could be a little more professional, maybe teachers like T wouldn't get away with coming to work fifteen minutes to half an hour late on a consistent basis. T arrived to work 2 hours late and came back from lunch 2 hours late on our professional development day. When I tried to chastise him on his unprofessionalism, he blatantly tells me, "I don't care." This is the kind of people we have educating our kids. I am scared for the upcoming generation, and hope that if I raise children in this sort of world, that they never be exposed to these people until later on in life when they know what's what.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Newly Directed Energy
A few weeks back, I decided to channel my frustration, depression, and anger into a more productive force. I took a day off from work and sent out 8 cover letters and resumes. Within a few days, I received responses from several principals. Since then, I've done a few interviews and 2 demo lessons at 2 different public schools. The school I really want to be at is in Washington Heights and it's pretty amazing in terms of the behavior. All of the students wear uniforms and they're really strict about detention. My coworker's dad actually works there. I'm waiting to hear back from them, and I'm hoping it's good news. I received relatively positive feedback from the literacy coach who observed me. I did a lesson on how to write more powerful poems by using the five senses. My all time favorite for this type of lesson is Langston Hughes' "Harlem: A Dream Deferred".
The second demo lesson I did was this past Tuesday. It's the school that Ronald suggested I look into...a heavily technology-based school. It used to be struggling but last year, it received a B. Everything I've read about it has been really great. But then when I spoke to a couple of people about it, it seems like just your average south Bronx school. I was also told that it might get broken down into smaller schools. So...not so sure about it anymore. I'm still waiting to hear back from Coney Island Prep and the Washington Heights school.
I still have a couple of more interviews coming up, one at a small public school in the Bronx and another one in the Heights. Seems I'm am destined for these two locations.
I'm feeling generally positive about getting hired elsewhere. I would love to be at a great school where I don't have to worry about behavioral issues. At the same time, do I need a perfect school? I don't think I want to be at a perfect school where everything is taken care of. I want to be able to truly make a difference. But I suppose being a teacher for anyone makes a difference somehow...and now that I have a choice of where to go, why choose a place that I know is going to be more difficult in terms of classroom management? Management is definitely still not my strong suit.
Positive note: my ELA scores came back. Almost three-quarter of the grade made progress. I made this damn middle school look real good so of course, now, they're super nice to me. I hate these bitches. Such haters. Mistreat you for 8 months, but the 9th month breaks the pattern of utter disrespect because of some numbers that came back. Dis-gust-ing.
The second demo lesson I did was this past Tuesday. It's the school that Ronald suggested I look into...a heavily technology-based school. It used to be struggling but last year, it received a B. Everything I've read about it has been really great. But then when I spoke to a couple of people about it, it seems like just your average south Bronx school. I was also told that it might get broken down into smaller schools. So...not so sure about it anymore. I'm still waiting to hear back from Coney Island Prep and the Washington Heights school.
I still have a couple of more interviews coming up, one at a small public school in the Bronx and another one in the Heights. Seems I'm am destined for these two locations.
I'm feeling generally positive about getting hired elsewhere. I would love to be at a great school where I don't have to worry about behavioral issues. At the same time, do I need a perfect school? I don't think I want to be at a perfect school where everything is taken care of. I want to be able to truly make a difference. But I suppose being a teacher for anyone makes a difference somehow...and now that I have a choice of where to go, why choose a place that I know is going to be more difficult in terms of classroom management? Management is definitely still not my strong suit.
Positive note: my ELA scores came back. Almost three-quarter of the grade made progress. I made this damn middle school look real good so of course, now, they're super nice to me. I hate these bitches. Such haters. Mistreat you for 8 months, but the 9th month breaks the pattern of utter disrespect because of some numbers that came back. Dis-gust-ing.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Anger
These days, my anger rages and overwhelms my entire being. The moment I step into my school, my anger awakes and the mask comes on. A mask of a normal person trying to get through any old work day. The anger rises when I see my principal, coworkers, and students. It's a damn masquerade everyday, except there are no colors or flashy clothing. Just a deep seething rage that builds and builds, until the clock strikes 3. Then it sort of collapses, and I am able to take a breath. But then anger gives way to sadness. What am I doing wrong? Am I doing something right? Who learned today?
On the weekends, sometimes there are moments when my anger just lends itself to tears that do nothing to change anything. I just say fuck life and fuck everyone. What is the point of anything? What does anything matter? Every drop counts? Well, my drop got lost somewhere in between the sky and the bucket. Then, when I'm done, the anger becomes just a smoldering flame. By Monday, I know it'll be a full-fledged thing of hate again.
On the weekends, sometimes there are moments when my anger just lends itself to tears that do nothing to change anything. I just say fuck life and fuck everyone. What is the point of anything? What does anything matter? Every drop counts? Well, my drop got lost somewhere in between the sky and the bucket. Then, when I'm done, the anger becomes just a smoldering flame. By Monday, I know it'll be a full-fledged thing of hate again.
Rough Week
Maybe if I had kept a diary from my first year of teaching, I would feel a bit better right now. My anger and frustration would be refocused through a slightly more positive lens. Some thoughts that would run through my head would be:
At least not that many kids are walking all around the room.
At least they shut up when they read.
At least they are learning more from me.
But instead, I think about how Kaeleen doesn't shut the hell up and wanders around to the other side of the room where I've now seated her friends because they can't shut up either. I think about how Yulianni called me a "dum-dum" and then told me to get my face out of her face and go somewhere else. I think about how I cried on Thursday and when I went back into my classroom, kids asked me with smiles in their eyes if I was crying. Vicious, nasty sons of bitches. I hate them so much right now. Their meanness is eating away at me.
I don't get it. Even last year, when I was both a shitty at teaching and bad at management...I never had kids cuss at me. They didn't tell me to "get the fuck outta here" when I take away the cell phones and iPods they're not supposed to have. They didn't tell me to screw myself when I asked them to sit in their chairs.
I don't get how the school can let them get away with stuff like this and then blame everything on the teacher not being able to manage their classes. Well, there are 5th year teachers, 7th year teachers, and other even more seasoned folks who have trouble. Doesn't that say something about administration's lack of discipline implementation? Yes, a lot of things are within the teacher's control. But when a kid doesn't get suspended for spitting in another kid's face, or when a kid can get away with walking out of the classroom almost every day...then at that point, who's the one to blame?
How my principal can sit on her ass all day in her sad metaphor of a throne is beyond me. She never comes into classrooms to see how her teachers and students are doing. All she knows how to do is buy new clothes, and mix and match with poor taste. She cares more about "fashion" than student achievement. It's amazing. She's such a fucking joke. There is absolutely no professional development in this school and I'm so done with it!
Last Thursday, when I got really emotional and walked out of my class, one of my former students saw me and followed me into an empty classroom where I cried. I started ranting to her about how fucked up the school was and how I praise God that she's getting out of there and going to a high school. I told her that she needs to do well and value her education if she's ever going to get anywhere in her life because I'll be damned if I see her end up in a bad place in life because of the bad choices she was taught to make. I'm actually kind of close to her and I know she wouldn't divulge the information I told her so...whatever...
At least not that many kids are walking all around the room.
At least they shut up when they read.
At least they are learning more from me.
But instead, I think about how Kaeleen doesn't shut the hell up and wanders around to the other side of the room where I've now seated her friends because they can't shut up either. I think about how Yulianni called me a "dum-dum" and then told me to get my face out of her face and go somewhere else. I think about how I cried on Thursday and when I went back into my classroom, kids asked me with smiles in their eyes if I was crying. Vicious, nasty sons of bitches. I hate them so much right now. Their meanness is eating away at me.
I don't get it. Even last year, when I was both a shitty at teaching and bad at management...I never had kids cuss at me. They didn't tell me to "get the fuck outta here" when I take away the cell phones and iPods they're not supposed to have. They didn't tell me to screw myself when I asked them to sit in their chairs.
I don't get how the school can let them get away with stuff like this and then blame everything on the teacher not being able to manage their classes. Well, there are 5th year teachers, 7th year teachers, and other even more seasoned folks who have trouble. Doesn't that say something about administration's lack of discipline implementation? Yes, a lot of things are within the teacher's control. But when a kid doesn't get suspended for spitting in another kid's face, or when a kid can get away with walking out of the classroom almost every day...then at that point, who's the one to blame?
How my principal can sit on her ass all day in her sad metaphor of a throne is beyond me. She never comes into classrooms to see how her teachers and students are doing. All she knows how to do is buy new clothes, and mix and match with poor taste. She cares more about "fashion" than student achievement. It's amazing. She's such a fucking joke. There is absolutely no professional development in this school and I'm so done with it!
Last Thursday, when I got really emotional and walked out of my class, one of my former students saw me and followed me into an empty classroom where I cried. I started ranting to her about how fucked up the school was and how I praise God that she's getting out of there and going to a high school. I told her that she needs to do well and value her education if she's ever going to get anywhere in her life because I'll be damned if I see her end up in a bad place in life because of the bad choices she was taught to make. I'm actually kind of close to her and I know she wouldn't divulge the information I told her so...whatever...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
No Internet! I feel disabled.
Unsure why I don't have internet in my apartment anymore. It decided to die on me sometime last week. We're supposed to have a technician from Time Warner to check the place out but he can't come until this Saturday. All my internet use is restricted to Pace University's computer lab and work. However, at work, I can't gchat with people or log onto eHarmony.
I have to say, I'm still quite disappointed by the matches showing up on my homepage. I found one potential and even he's a stretch. Although...he's pretty funny.
Work has been lackluster and utterly unmotivating. My coworkers continue to get on my nerves with their uncharming behaviors. The students are still nasty, in case anyone was wondering if any more changes were occuring. Yesterday, one of my boys was ganged up on by 5 other boys, all 8th graders. Most of them were in the Special Ed class but one boy was a former student of mine. Lucky for them, the victim's mom is also the school aide who supervises that lunch period. She called the police and all 5 were taken down to the precinct. They spent yesterday night and will spend tonight in juvy, which is supposed to be amazingly terrifying.
On the bright side, a grant that I wrote to donorschoose.org got fully funded! I can't wait for my new classroom set of "Monster" and free post-its. I'm obsessed with post-its so I'm actually more excited about that than the actual books.
Spofford Detention Center - location of the boys who now need to go to trial
I have to say, I'm still quite disappointed by the matches showing up on my homepage. I found one potential and even he's a stretch. Although...he's pretty funny.
Work has been lackluster and utterly unmotivating. My coworkers continue to get on my nerves with their uncharming behaviors. The students are still nasty, in case anyone was wondering if any more changes were occuring. Yesterday, one of my boys was ganged up on by 5 other boys, all 8th graders. Most of them were in the Special Ed class but one boy was a former student of mine. Lucky for them, the victim's mom is also the school aide who supervises that lunch period. She called the police and all 5 were taken down to the precinct. They spent yesterday night and will spend tonight in juvy, which is supposed to be amazingly terrifying.
On the bright side, a grant that I wrote to donorschoose.org got fully funded! I can't wait for my new classroom set of "Monster" and free post-its. I'm obsessed with post-its so I'm actually more excited about that than the actual books.
Spofford Detention Center - location of the boys who now need to go to trial
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The Abusive Side of Education
Yesterday was a shit day. We had the state math exam and I was proctoring one of my classes. We're obviously supposed to circulate a few times around the room. I did what I needed to do and then sat on top of a desk, making sure I had a good view of the class. Unfortunately, one boy sitting in my blind spot cheated off of another girl. Three girls sitting behind him saw and told me afterward. I thought I was doing the right thing when I told my AP, but apparently, it's all my fault that I didn't catch the sneaky bastard. Seriously? Also, I'm jeopardizing the administrators' license.... right.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
3 for the Price of 1
After my last date with some lame-o dude from okcupid.com, it seemed like the smart. sensible thing to do. On March 1st, I finally joined eharmony.com. I disabled my okcupid account and signed up with this other much-talked-about dating site. A coworker told me that two of her childhood friends are engaged and/or married to their eharmony finds. It also didn't hurt that they was having a special: 3 months for the price of 1. You can't get any better than that, right?
Well, it's been over a week and thus far, I am not impressed with the men I have been matched up with. I mean, they seem okay. It just seems silly to be able to be attracted to an online profile. Some of those guys are too old. Some are too young. Some are too skinny and some are too fat. None are just right. I'm hoping that fortunes will change soon and a promising match will pop up on my home page.
To be honest, most of the time, I close/delete my matches based on looks alone. I don't really care what their profiles say. They all sound the same to me. Am I shallow? Yes. Do I want my wedding photos and future babies to look really cute? Also yes.