These days, my anger rages and overwhelms my entire being. The moment I step into my school, my anger awakes and the mask comes on. A mask of a normal person trying to get through any old work day. The anger rises when I see my principal, coworkers, and students. It's a damn masquerade everyday, except there are no colors or flashy clothing. Just a deep seething rage that builds and builds, until the clock strikes 3. Then it sort of collapses, and I am able to take a breath. But then anger gives way to sadness. What am I doing wrong? Am I doing something right? Who learned today?
On the weekends, sometimes there are moments when my anger just lends itself to tears that do nothing to change anything. I just say fuck life and fuck everyone. What is the point of anything? What does anything matter? Every drop counts? Well, my drop got lost somewhere in between the sky and the bucket. Then, when I'm done, the anger becomes just a smoldering flame. By Monday, I know it'll be a full-fledged thing of hate again.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Rough Week
Maybe if I had kept a diary from my first year of teaching, I would feel a bit better right now. My anger and frustration would be refocused through a slightly more positive lens. Some thoughts that would run through my head would be:
At least not that many kids are walking all around the room.
At least they shut up when they read.
At least they are learning more from me.
But instead, I think about how Kaeleen doesn't shut the hell up and wanders around to the other side of the room where I've now seated her friends because they can't shut up either. I think about how Yulianni called me a "dum-dum" and then told me to get my face out of her face and go somewhere else. I think about how I cried on Thursday and when I went back into my classroom, kids asked me with smiles in their eyes if I was crying. Vicious, nasty sons of bitches. I hate them so much right now. Their meanness is eating away at me.
I don't get it. Even last year, when I was both a shitty at teaching and bad at management...I never had kids cuss at me. They didn't tell me to "get the fuck outta here" when I take away the cell phones and iPods they're not supposed to have. They didn't tell me to screw myself when I asked them to sit in their chairs.
I don't get how the school can let them get away with stuff like this and then blame everything on the teacher not being able to manage their classes. Well, there are 5th year teachers, 7th year teachers, and other even more seasoned folks who have trouble. Doesn't that say something about administration's lack of discipline implementation? Yes, a lot of things are within the teacher's control. But when a kid doesn't get suspended for spitting in another kid's face, or when a kid can get away with walking out of the classroom almost every day...then at that point, who's the one to blame?
How my principal can sit on her ass all day in her sad metaphor of a throne is beyond me. She never comes into classrooms to see how her teachers and students are doing. All she knows how to do is buy new clothes, and mix and match with poor taste. She cares more about "fashion" than student achievement. It's amazing. She's such a fucking joke. There is absolutely no professional development in this school and I'm so done with it!
Last Thursday, when I got really emotional and walked out of my class, one of my former students saw me and followed me into an empty classroom where I cried. I started ranting to her about how fucked up the school was and how I praise God that she's getting out of there and going to a high school. I told her that she needs to do well and value her education if she's ever going to get anywhere in her life because I'll be damned if I see her end up in a bad place in life because of the bad choices she was taught to make. I'm actually kind of close to her and I know she wouldn't divulge the information I told her so...whatever...
At least not that many kids are walking all around the room.
At least they shut up when they read.
At least they are learning more from me.
But instead, I think about how Kaeleen doesn't shut the hell up and wanders around to the other side of the room where I've now seated her friends because they can't shut up either. I think about how Yulianni called me a "dum-dum" and then told me to get my face out of her face and go somewhere else. I think about how I cried on Thursday and when I went back into my classroom, kids asked me with smiles in their eyes if I was crying. Vicious, nasty sons of bitches. I hate them so much right now. Their meanness is eating away at me.
I don't get it. Even last year, when I was both a shitty at teaching and bad at management...I never had kids cuss at me. They didn't tell me to "get the fuck outta here" when I take away the cell phones and iPods they're not supposed to have. They didn't tell me to screw myself when I asked them to sit in their chairs.
I don't get how the school can let them get away with stuff like this and then blame everything on the teacher not being able to manage their classes. Well, there are 5th year teachers, 7th year teachers, and other even more seasoned folks who have trouble. Doesn't that say something about administration's lack of discipline implementation? Yes, a lot of things are within the teacher's control. But when a kid doesn't get suspended for spitting in another kid's face, or when a kid can get away with walking out of the classroom almost every day...then at that point, who's the one to blame?
How my principal can sit on her ass all day in her sad metaphor of a throne is beyond me. She never comes into classrooms to see how her teachers and students are doing. All she knows how to do is buy new clothes, and mix and match with poor taste. She cares more about "fashion" than student achievement. It's amazing. She's such a fucking joke. There is absolutely no professional development in this school and I'm so done with it!
Last Thursday, when I got really emotional and walked out of my class, one of my former students saw me and followed me into an empty classroom where I cried. I started ranting to her about how fucked up the school was and how I praise God that she's getting out of there and going to a high school. I told her that she needs to do well and value her education if she's ever going to get anywhere in her life because I'll be damned if I see her end up in a bad place in life because of the bad choices she was taught to make. I'm actually kind of close to her and I know she wouldn't divulge the information I told her so...whatever...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
No Internet! I feel disabled.
Unsure why I don't have internet in my apartment anymore. It decided to die on me sometime last week. We're supposed to have a technician from Time Warner to check the place out but he can't come until this Saturday. All my internet use is restricted to Pace University's computer lab and work. However, at work, I can't gchat with people or log onto eHarmony.
I have to say, I'm still quite disappointed by the matches showing up on my homepage. I found one potential and even he's a stretch. Although...he's pretty funny.
Work has been lackluster and utterly unmotivating. My coworkers continue to get on my nerves with their uncharming behaviors. The students are still nasty, in case anyone was wondering if any more changes were occuring. Yesterday, one of my boys was ganged up on by 5 other boys, all 8th graders. Most of them were in the Special Ed class but one boy was a former student of mine. Lucky for them, the victim's mom is also the school aide who supervises that lunch period. She called the police and all 5 were taken down to the precinct. They spent yesterday night and will spend tonight in juvy, which is supposed to be amazingly terrifying.
On the bright side, a grant that I wrote to donorschoose.org got fully funded! I can't wait for my new classroom set of "Monster" and free post-its. I'm obsessed with post-its so I'm actually more excited about that than the actual books.
Spofford Detention Center - location of the boys who now need to go to trial
I have to say, I'm still quite disappointed by the matches showing up on my homepage. I found one potential and even he's a stretch. Although...he's pretty funny.
Work has been lackluster and utterly unmotivating. My coworkers continue to get on my nerves with their uncharming behaviors. The students are still nasty, in case anyone was wondering if any more changes were occuring. Yesterday, one of my boys was ganged up on by 5 other boys, all 8th graders. Most of them were in the Special Ed class but one boy was a former student of mine. Lucky for them, the victim's mom is also the school aide who supervises that lunch period. She called the police and all 5 were taken down to the precinct. They spent yesterday night and will spend tonight in juvy, which is supposed to be amazingly terrifying.
On the bright side, a grant that I wrote to donorschoose.org got fully funded! I can't wait for my new classroom set of "Monster" and free post-its. I'm obsessed with post-its so I'm actually more excited about that than the actual books.
Spofford Detention Center - location of the boys who now need to go to trial
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The Abusive Side of Education
Yesterday was a shit day. We had the state math exam and I was proctoring one of my classes. We're obviously supposed to circulate a few times around the room. I did what I needed to do and then sat on top of a desk, making sure I had a good view of the class. Unfortunately, one boy sitting in my blind spot cheated off of another girl. Three girls sitting behind him saw and told me afterward. I thought I was doing the right thing when I told my AP, but apparently, it's all my fault that I didn't catch the sneaky bastard. Seriously? Also, I'm jeopardizing the administrators' license.... right.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
3 for the Price of 1
After my last date with some lame-o dude from okcupid.com, it seemed like the smart. sensible thing to do. On March 1st, I finally joined eharmony.com. I disabled my okcupid account and signed up with this other much-talked-about dating site. A coworker told me that two of her childhood friends are engaged and/or married to their eharmony finds. It also didn't hurt that they was having a special: 3 months for the price of 1. You can't get any better than that, right?
Well, it's been over a week and thus far, I am not impressed with the men I have been matched up with. I mean, they seem okay. It just seems silly to be able to be attracted to an online profile. Some of those guys are too old. Some are too young. Some are too skinny and some are too fat. None are just right. I'm hoping that fortunes will change soon and a promising match will pop up on my home page.
To be honest, most of the time, I close/delete my matches based on looks alone. I don't really care what their profiles say. They all sound the same to me. Am I shallow? Yes. Do I want my wedding photos and future babies to look really cute? Also yes.